Stories Told...

It's like telling a story, closing your eyes and letting go, letting your mind wander. You can't really control where it goes or how everything turns out. It's about relinquishing control, hoping for the best knowing you might get the worst. And knowing that , even though I'm certain it's the truth, I'm still afraid, afraid of what might happen, of the unknown. I'd like to embrace the fear, shift it, use it, so that it won't work against me and yet I don't know how.
I watch people let go everyday, do things daring, maybe even a little frightening and I still can't hit the trigger, press the button to liberate me.
Even when writing I'm trapped in my own construction. I know point A, I've worked out point Z but I can't write the middle. Because things can shift midway through. Not even characters, your own subconscious have to listen to you. Understanding people means that you know, that you really don't understand them. It's bewildering, but also exciting and maybe a little frightening. You can't control a person nor really a character. You can for the most part control yourself, your words, your actions. But how many of us are actually in control, actually able to shift our behaviors, when so much is ingrained in personality. How do you change what you are? Even though you desperately want to, is it possible, can you shift yourself out of your own comfort zone?
I'm shy but loud, seeming contradictions that work together. I don't mind the loud so much, although I do work on volume control. But I do mind the shy, the sort of invisible shield that never truly realized I proferred, pushed forward. I'm not noticeable, invisible on most days, and I'm not sure if and how it came about or if it's in my mind. Do I imagine being passed over? ignored because there are prettier, more exotic, less plain jane girls, vibrating around me? Is it in my head? Am I that insecure? Or is it the insecurity that makes me invisible? Do I slide into the background because I don't think I move as well or look as good as the others? Or am I so totally oblivious that I've missed the attention, didn't know it was even being offered? I really can't pinpoint what it is. I know in my head that I'm pretty, maybe with the right makeup and wardrobe beautiful, but then when I'm surrounded by friends, people I love and trust, I'm still plagued by doubt. I'm not as thin, not nearly as glamourous, not sinewous or willowy or unconsciously sexy... And I guess the question is, can everyone else read whet I'm feeling. Can they see it in my face? How can I tell? How do I shift out of the bubble I've created?
I'd like to believe I can shift free, but, it's hard to tell. I think I need lessons. Not on bravery, but how to push forward. I'm brave. I'll step forward and protect what I love, but I won't stand and show myself. Now what does that say about me? that I'm so in the world of others that I don't know what to do about me...
-.-;; I really don't know. And that seems to be my common response as of late. I don't know why I feel this way. Don't know how to fix it. Don't know how to do much of anything....